My guide to the Bahamas; thoughts, insights and lessons learned from the shamorgus board of experiences I had (with my friend, Emily) during the “Break from Reality…We Need to Save our Sanity” Bahamas Trip
**First, I have to give big props to Em; hours before we were scheduled to fly off to paradise, she fell, hit her head…well her face (but that does not sound too graceful) and broke a tooth, BUT like the trooper that she is, she rebounded from the concussion and dominated the Bahamas including a free style dance competition.
In no particular order…
1. In the dramatic fashion that is so representative of my life…I truthfully can say that I almost lost my life in paradise. I would have hoped that I would have gone to straight to heaven, BUT, I only blacked out momentarily- nbd. While my friend Emily did not save my life, a lovely middle aged couple from Michigan did by providing me with a half drunken bottle of 90 degree spring water; I love Michigan. I think that they only gave me the water because I told them I was a teacher; I am not ashamed to use that bit of knowledge in emergency situations.
2. Buy a wooden flute (I think they really mean “recorder”) on the beach from a native islander and you will get to take home a free boyfriend. But, I opted out of the free boyfriend offer. Once this gem touched my hands, I was immediately shot back to 2nd grade and the wonderment that comes from over blowing into this genius instrument.… I took my “flute” and ran back to the hotel playing hot-crossed-buns all the way.
3. While in the Bahamas, you will meet a wide range of folk ranging from the obvious native islanders- who really all seem to look like Taye Diggs, foreign visitors and lots of people from Canada eh…? There was Blaze and Ninja, a professional soccer player from Toronto, a crazy white woman from Rhode Island (I referred to her as Misquamicut) that out danced a “hired professional” native at her own dance, and a guy that forced you to drink tea by calling you pretty eyes. They all made my stay a colorful one, Brace yourself!
4. Opps…watch your step!
5. I have been told that when I visit water parks, I lose my mind. And I did, time and time again at Atlantis Aquaventure. “Leap of Faith,” I love you, but not the massive wedgies you have provided me; memorable enough to last me a life time- 88 degree 70 foot free fall through a shark tank. Be still my beating heart I was in heaven except when I skidded through, or should I say on top of, shallow water at 40 mph hence the bathing suit annihilation.
6. While in the Bahamas, it was proposed that I am directionally challenged. I would like to think that my inability to decipher right from left was because people drive on the wrong, or should I say opposite, side of the road in the Bahamas. I blamed my lack of direction on a case of temporary “directional vertigo;” I think that others Em disagrees! My “made-up syndrome” and the fact that it was temporary and isolated to just the Bahamas is apparently wishful thinking on my part! During the trip, in a midst of frustration (I got us lost…again) Em exclaimed, “I would not trust you to find your way out of a paper bag.” So to her and all of the others, I say...take me to Europe and try to refute my hypothesis.
7. I only spent $10 dollars ($10 too much If you ask me) at the casino before we were kindly asked to leave when we were caught taking a group picture. What these casino honchos do not know is that we won; we quietly snapped a couple when no one was looking. But when escorting ourselves out, we found a wicked big chair chiseled from a hunk of solid gold…a nice man took our picture and serenaded us with a tune from Lady Gaga. When I named that tune, me and the islander “hi-fived, low fived.”
8. Em got hit in the face at least 17 time during the trip; the straw that broke the camel’s back…when two teenage boys, obviously engaged in an episode of pseudo-jackass, were ultimate fighting on a water ride and wacked her in her newly repaired broken tooth. Watch out! It was over! It reaffirmed her hatred of teenagers and made her reevaluate her career as a teacher.
9. If you have an Italian last name, BEWARE when visiting the island. Apparently, Bahamians have a fascination with the mafia, and they do not hold back the questions. They are on a mission to quiet their curiosity on your behalf.
10. All inclusive translates to= you better bring your fat pants to wear on the trip home.
11. FYI: When you give me no choice and basically force me to be a part of a free style dance contest and ask me what dance move I want to throw in, do not deny me the running man, especially, so you can “try” to do a back flip and under rotate and break your skull. My running man would have led us to victory. Oh no, it probably wouldn’t because Em shimmied and booty popped like J-Lo for double the amount of time allotted. Cheaters!
12. Remember: The creepers come out at night no matter where you are.
13. I rather get a $180 COACH wristlet than pay to get my hair braided…no matter how much of a rats nest it is and no matter how long I can go without washing it, it just isn’t worth it.
14. Bucket List Cross-Out: Swimming with dolphins. After, I massaged, danced with, fed, kissed and hugged a dolphin to sleep, I allowed him and his friend to plow me 35 mph across the lagoon the length of a football field. It was absolutely amazing. I wanna be a dolphin trainer when I grow up!!!
15. When a man in native dress, which included face and body paint, approached me, well more like invaded my personal space, I screamed, ”AAAHHHHH, get the hell away, you clown!” I then watched him set himself ablaze and limbo under a stick about a foot off the ground. He was no clown… he's awesome, but did he really need the face paint!!! I should have apologized to him and explained that I have the same reaction to anyone who dresses in costume and paints/hides their face, even the super nice guidance counselor that dresses up as Santa at EHHS; he now knows to just avoid me when he has the urge to dress up at work because I go bazerko when I see him in full on Santa attire.
16. MAYBE MOST IMPORTANT! If you need to get anywhere, and anywhere fast, call a driver from Majestic Tours. I want to hire one of these Bahamian NASCAR-esque street drivers to drive me everywhere. I would never be late and always be jacked up on adrenaline from my commute. I ask where were you people during my year long commute to New Haven? I-91/95 interchange has nothing on Bahamian Shuttle Drivers.
FINAL THOUGHTS...
Like Stella ran away to Jamaica to “get her groove back,” I floored it to the Bahamas to get a break from my own busy, pressure filled reality. Did I get my groove back…? Well, I do not exactly know what that means…to get your “groove back.” I have a pretty good idea, but I will not comment. However, I did come back feeling lighter- less stressed, more relaxed and generally happier (that lasted until Wednesday when a disgruntled student threw a marker at my face- another story for another time). I think that this vacation was a necessity not just for novelty. Not only did I have a ton of fun doing things that I have never done and going on fun adventures, but the whole experience was amazing because it was done with a friend. So just as awesome as all of those experiences were, I have a ton of new memories and some inside jokes, too. Starting NOW, I want to make more time for friends because when life gets busy it seems like they tend to get pushed aside. It always seems too late when you realize how much you have missed them or how many potential fun time missed and memories you could have made. This trip reaffirmed the importance of friends in my life.
